Being a single pringle
I used to feel uncomfortable at the beginning of each year. No, it wasn’t the New Year’s resolutions (though I’m still iffy about those too). It was because of the ‘phenomenon’ known as Valentines Day.
I dreaded one of the first widely celebrated events of the year because it wasn’t something that I could identify with. I have spent most of my life as a single pringle, except for about a year and a half when I began my third year of university. For the most part, I’ve been happily single.
But every so often in my single life, people would say things like “Are you still single?” or “I don’t understand how you’re single, you’re so great”
Even though the people were well meaning, those sentences are forever burned into my memory. These kinds of sentiments, even well intentioned, stick with me because they make me feel as though there is some sort of problem. And that the problem is me.
While a romantic relationship has never been my main priority, sometimes I feel like I’m living in a world that does make it one. It’s everywhere. In movies and TV there is usually some kind of romantic relationship woven into the story. In music there are many songs about the joy of being in love or grieving for love lost. In conversations with aunts and uncles at a reunion, it’s likely that one of the first things that they’ll bring up.
So, here are three things I am reminding myself of this Valentines Day again (to keep my sanity):
1. Romantic relationships are not a measure of your success as a human
Say it with me now: You are enough. If you are single, you’re not any more or less successful than those who are in romantic relationships. It is simply a state of being. You can grow as a person both being single and while in a relationship. I believe it unwise to idealise either state of being since they both have their pros and cons, and because romance comes in many different forms. Instead, let individuals decide what they want for themselves at the time and recognise that may change too.
2. Being single can be joyous and beautiful
Even though people told me to treasure being single many times, it took me several years to actually believe it can be a beautiful time. Eventually, instead of pressuring myself into finding someone to love, I remembered that I was a person who I had to love too, and that ignoring myself in search for another person was not going to give me the happiness that I was looking for.
There is great joy in taking yourself out on coffee dates and out to the movies. Some of my best movie experiences have come from when I’ve been on my own because I have the time to process the film fully, gather my own thoughts and opinions, wipe the tears from my eyes (I always cry while watching films), and make the slow trek home.
3. Being single takes great strength and courage
I am grateful for those who remind me in the moments when I am down on myself for not being in a romantic relationship. They help combat those inner (and outer) voices by reminding me that being single is my choice. They remind me that instead of choosing to stay in a sub-optimal relationship, I choose to stand on my own. That I choose to be vulnerable with myself in a way that is different from being vulnerable with other people, and that takes great courage.
I understand why it’s a hot topic - love can be exciting, beautiful, and joyous - and I’m not disparaging that. I am (occasionally) partial to a cheesy Christmas romance movie or two side characters of a TV show falling in love (Angela and Hodgins, anyone?). But let’s also acknowledge that being single is not something that needs to be fixed or changed. Too often, the belief that I’ve needed to change myself in order to solve the ‘problem’ of being single has run rampant in my mind, when actually it wasn’t a problem in the first place.
Whether you’re single or not this Valentines Day, my biggest hope is that you are kind to yourself. It took me a while to gather my thoughts for this piece as I have wanted to write about the pressures of being single for some time. I intend it with great aroha to my fellow single pringles who may feel sad at this time of year and to those who are in relationships who wish to understand.
This February 14th, I’m choosing to watch a murder mystery movie with friends, and I could absolutely not be happier than that.
With aroha,
Olivia