The Atlas of My Heart
When “Atlas of the Heart” by Brene Brown came out earlier this year, I suddenly stopped where I was standing in the bookshop and almost screamed “FINALLY” out loud. The reason I had such a charged reaction is because for the first time, I had something that would help me name and therefore navigate my feelings – something which I had been really craving.
As a result of reading the book, I now understand some of the feelings that were the dominant with me for extended periods of time. These include but are not limited to frustration, anger, and envy. Now it’s not like I’ve never experienced these things before, of course I have. However, this year really felt like the first time I allowed myself to just feel them – without having to rush moving through them to get to the more ‘wholesome’ emotions. Instead of my default to jump into action mode and ‘fix’ how I was feeling to return to a sense of my baseline normality, I just sat with the negative emotions for days and in some cases even months.
I already knew that creating space for these feelings was going to be one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. I had talked repeatedly with my therapist for years about how to create the spaces for myself to decompress and ‘be’ rather than ‘do’, and so I knew I needed to make changes but first I just needed to rest. At some point after sitting with my emotions for a while, the next path suddenly sprung up – these emotions were telling me something. Oh! But what were they saying? Something murky and confusing, for sure. To allow for the messages to come through more clearly, I went into a kind of hibernation mode – pulling back on the number of things I was doing, the people I was seeing, quit social media, and finally let go of the self-punishing mindset I had hung on to for so long.
Sometimes a good cup of tea is just what you need.
With this new space to be, I started peeling back each layer of my life and retrospectively tapped into each past version of me who felt all sorts of emotions about some relationships, situations, and people. The ultimate boss battle was three weeks of nightmares and anxiety dreams that had me waking up multiple times each evening. It was hard work to get honest with each version of me and it took time.
I am so fucking glad I did it.
Now I feel so much more connected with who I am in the present day – not some past version of me or not some version of me that other people see. I started forgiving people I didn’t know I could. I let go of my chronic compulsion to be early to events. I let go of living ‘optimally’. I did scary things despite being fearful. I closed chapters. I opened new ones. But I don’t think any of these big shifts would have happened if I didn’t actively make the time to sit with myself.
So, my friends, I wanted to share this story with you because so many of us struggle with the feeling rather than the being. So, I wanted to share some things that have helped me, if you’re looking for somewhere to start.
Here are some of the things that I did that helped me sit with my emotions and eventually move through them without force:
Pausing for at least 10 minutes
Before I reach for a YouTube video that I know is going to make me laugh or reach for a tasty snack that I know will make me happy, I practice sitting somewhere comfortable and just let whatever be, be. This gives space for whatever thoughts and feelings to be heard more effectively before shifting through them. Then if I want to put them in journal form then I can, but allowing the to sit there before trying to process them has been revolutionary.
2. Incorporate movement
One of the best things for my health and wellbeing this year is moving more. And specifically, if I feel some big feelings bubbling up then I take myself for a walk and pop on some instrumental piano music. Even if I end up crying and walking in public, by incorporating movement and different stimuli I really feel it allows me to be present with the moment because I can’t just jump into crafting or into watching a TV show, it’s just walking and feeling. It allows me to sit with the feelings without sitting! Even if at the end of the walk I don’t feel better, I’m comforted by the fact that I have allowed time for whatever to come up to come up.
3. Taking myself on solo dates
Deliberately scheduling some time to be with yourself is a great way to check-in with you. It can allow decompression time from the week and for me it creates space for me to notice any tension or to acknowledge the pleasant feelings from the past week that I didn’t feel I had time to notice. For me, I love doing something that I know is going to nourish my physical body, mind, or soul – whether that’s going to a café and journalling or taking myself to the movies or exploring a new place.
I hope that today you create a moment to sit with any feelings and emotions that are present and hear them, in whatever way works best for you. Remember that the world needs people like you, with those big emotions and thoughts that you have – so give yourself the joy of being in your own presence in all it’s different waves.
Until next time, e hoa ❤️
Ngā manaakitanga,
Olivia